In ninth grade, a male friend of mine tackled me on a bed during a party and “pretended” to hump me. I laughed it off because I was embarrassed.
While interning with the Minnesota Twins, a pitcher from another team held two fingers to his mouth, wagging his tongue between them while two teammates spewed disgusting language at me in Spanish. I understood every word. At the time, I was escorting two 6-year-old children to the field. No bigs!
In college, a “friend” of mine figured out where I was going every weekend night, then creepily followed me home every evening. Once I got home, he’d call me four or five times throughout the night. It happened for a full semester, even after I asked him to stop.
When I was 23, a very large man approached me at a bar two blocks from my house. He asked if … Read more
Arlene Helen Katt was born on July 14, 2016.
One of the biggest things I remember a nurse telling me in the hospital was that I would be very swollen for the weeks after birth. She assured me my body would rid itself of the extra fluid by way of sweat, pee and maybe a few tears.
A few tears?!
I’ve never been much of a crier, but after this baby… wow. Commercials, opening credits to movies, just looking at my baby can be enough to start the waterworks. It’s a classic case of the baby blues. I started writing down all the reasons I’ve cried in the past six weeks. Some understandable, others downright ridiculous.
Without further ado, here’s all the reasons I’ve cried since having a baby.
* * *
Because my husband cried and exclaimed, “She’s so cute!” the moment he saw her.
Because my mother-in-law … Read more
With a new baby, everything is scary.
Driving. Leaving the house. Folding laundry six feet away from your sleeping baby who is totally breathing. She is breathing, right? I’m just going to go check really quick. But I’m pretty certain there’s one task that strikes fear in the hearts of all new parents: clipping your newborn’s fingernails.
We welcomed baby Arlene Helen Katt on July 14. She’s 7lbs 9 oz of adorableness… with one exception.
She was born wielding 10 tiny weapons.
Like all babies, her itty bitty fingernails are paper thin, and yet so sharp you’ll need to be peeled off the ceiling after one minor poke– usually on your naked boob as you’re trying to figure out breastfeeding and already sobbing in pain. I thought about cutting them a lot, but using clippers seems too risky. So I Google “trim baby nails” and learned that you can file … Read more
Tomorrow, I become a mom.
A lot of people say I became a mom when I got pregnant. But aside from the fact that I haven’t eaten raw fish in nine months and said no to Dolly Parton AND Metallica concerts (both coming within weeks of this baby’s arrival), I haven’t felt like a parent.
Parents, especially to little kids, don’t get go to the gym when they want. They can’t just wing their day, maybe working for a few hours in the morning, then meeting a friend for lunch. They don’t go on spur of the moment dates with their significant others. They don’t get to sleep in until 9am. I’ve enjoyed all these things and more for the last 34 years.
Tomorrow afternoon, everything changes.
Our baby is breech (head up, butt down, legs constantly kicking my left side). She’s not budging, so she’s coming out in the … Read more
I remember talking with a friend in high school about boys. Because obviously, what else do you talk about at 17? (or 27… or 37…)
We both decided it would behoove us to date a wide range of people.
Why not date a starving artist? A jock? A nerd? An older man? Some dude with an accent? I’m inherently curious by people who are different than me, and my 20s seemed like the time to date whoever the heck I wanted.
So I did.
And you know what? Dating through that lens was really hard. I spent nearly a full decade looking for people who were interesting to me, but not a good fit for me.
There was Art Guy who actually wore a pair of Levi’s featuring a two-foot shlong he’d screen printed on them himself (Does it surprise you that the same guy also did this?… Read more