There I was, working on my laptop at our dining room table when I froze. A wasp. A friggin wasp had the audacity to break into my house and try to make my afternoon a living hell.
Sure, it wasn’t doing anything. Not buzzing around, not noticing me, not doing anything except probably wondering why it couldn’t get back outside. I, on the other hand, couldn’t shake its presence from the forefront of my mind. I mean, have you ever read the best Onion article ever? Bees are scary!
Who can focus on a task when there’s an insect with a tiny stinger in their presence?
I needed to kill it.
I rolled up a magazine and silently approached the beast. My heart pounded. I inhaled deeply and WACK!
I took a step back to see where the ol’ whippersnapper had landed. Then, bzzzzzzzzz….. I missed the damn thing! Naturally, I screamed and ran outside, clutching my computer to my breast. I worked on my deck for thirty minutes before mustering the courage to go back inside.
Wasp: 1 // Molly: 0
Eventually, I had to pee. I quietly tip-toed inside, scanning the space with my eyes. Once I’d successfully traversed the living room, I started getting my confidence back. I am a person. I can outsmart an insect! You can do this, Molly! You can make it to the bathroom even though there is a wasp somewhere!
There it was, on the ceiling next to our eyesore of a light fixture. Armed with a broom (makes way more sense than a rolled up magazine!), I took aim. SMASH! I pushed the bugger into the ceiling with all my might.
SHIT! I screamed and ran into the bathroom.
Wasp: 2 // Molly: 0
I took an extra long time in the bathroom, organizing the medicine cabinet, putting the toilet paper on the correct way, etc. I had to stop this nonsense. I will not let a wasp get the best of me. I stretched out my hammies, splashed a little water on my face and headed back into battle.
It didn’t take me long to find my opponent. She perched lightly atop a stack of mail. I again opted for the magazine, except this time, I didn’t curl it up. I left it flat. More surface area. I took a deep breath through my nose, slowly exhaling through my mouth. You know, like in a yoga class.
One….. two…… three….. KA-POW!
I am not too proud to admit that I missed that effer yet again. I bolted to the deck, shrieking at a window-shattering pitch.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon working outside. I’d put that wasp through enough. Even though I weigh roughly 100000000 percent more than she, I was no match for her scrappy tactics.
I never saw the wasp again. Maybe she got away. Maybe I delivered a fatal wound to her thorax. Maybe she’s still in here somewhere. All I know is that for some stupid reason, I challenged a mere wasp to a duel and did not win.
It was a humbling day, my friends.
P.S. This is not the first time I’ve freaked out over a dead (or not so dead animal). Here’s a time that was funny (but gross), a time that was just disgusting (but necessary), a time that was so intense I cried and a time that broke my heart so badly, I cried for two weeks.